The Lord readeth Cressida Cowell

Sisters and Acolytes

This very week saw the publication of the new audio book in the Hiccup series - How to Twist a Dragons Tale being the 5th book in the series. I have extracted a particularly pleasing part of CD2 which I was listening to in all innocence whist cooking tea yesterday evening for some waifs and strays in the West Country. When the Lord began proclaiming and raising his voice to the heavens in a short but beautiful rendition of Rule Britannia (with appropriate word changing, I am sorry to say that bloomers were destroyed and most of the tea along with them.

If you click on the title of this week's blog, it will take you straight to the audio in question. I hope that you enjoy and if you do GO BUY IT from Amazon. The Lord needs to buy more nappies!

Apart from the above, the week has been quiet for the Sisters. Sister Berny has been even quieter than usual and there is concern for her. We hope that the contractor who has been keeping the flue clear in the Oirish sister's place of refuge has been continuing with his duties to contract specification and does not require a Quality Assurance visit from the Sister's Headquarters. The next big news from the Lord is likely to be announced from the pulpit of the Geek-fest known as Comic Con 2009. Until then... Keep the Faith...

Tennant x

And this week's news...

Sisters and Acolytes

What a week it has been for the Sisters of Pervitude.

Following the excitement of seeing the Lord *Praise be His name and Tenninch* watching the bat 'n' ball in SW19 last week and the news that he will spend the next 8 weeks playing with his favourite toys in Ealing filmland, it has been another week of revelations.

Acolytes have been ferreting away on the T'interweb and report that the Lord was afloat last Sabbath, blessing the poor of Twickenham from the back of the 5th Time Lord's floating Gin Palace. We have also heard via the Child's book of face that the Lord spent Friday night in front of the 40" altar watching his mate John kill his own grandson to save the world (killing children...now there's a thought, Lord).

So the excitement of Torchwood over, imagine the Sisters' delight when the Holy Book of Sun chose to expose the Lord all over the T'interweb. Not only had the Sun managed to acquire a picture of the Lord on his way to the hairdressers for a colouring session, they also published exactly how much of the licence fee that we pay to Auntie Beeb, the Lord has used to purchase his new love-pad. Apparantly it has enough bedrooms for all of us to stay over and an attic room for the *elf*. As we have paid for it, I feel it is only fair that we get fair usage rights. So I am planning a long weekend in North London next week, there may not be a blog!

So that's about it for now. T'is the last week of school for the Child and her sprog. We will keep our eyes peeled around the T'interweb for news of any days out at Theme parks, making sandcastles on the beach or climate changing foreign holidays! Of course, Comic Con is coming up - the big question will be Who goes with the Lord to San Diego!

Tennant x

The Lord graces SW19

Dear Sisters and Acolytes

Witness the Lord in full regalia and Aviators giving his support to fellow Scot Andy Murray at the Wimbledon sem-finals last Friday. As you can see from the uncropped picture which I also post, he took the Child of the Devil with him. They look as loved up as usual and the frostiness must have been what kept the Lord cool in his 3-piece suit in the soaring Summer temperature.

The Lord is not renowned for his love of things sporty, so this Sister can only conclude that the temptation of a couple of free tickets and a promise of strawberries and pink champagne for tea has turned the Lord into a sponger, just like his Child sidekick.

I think you will all agree that the sooner the Lord gets back to work the better for all of us. Comic-Con is in a couple of weeks and the break from the blonde she-devil will be much needed.

Tennant x

What Lies Beneath?

Sisters and Acolytes

June is upon us and I feel we should celebrate the warmer weather and sunshine in true British (and Oirish) style by removing the clothing from our Lord's *praise be his name and ten-inch* torso and gaze in awe and wonder at the deliciousness of the chest hair that lies beneath.

We know that the Lord's hair in other places has the effect of destroying bloomers and causing the Sisters many hours in solitary confinement with only her spatula for company contemplating bad thoughts. The rufflable bedhead, the strokable stubble, those sidies that we could ski down... they all have their place in the photo album of pervitude.

Now it is the turn of that most secretive and shy growth across the Lord's most perfect pecs that we must turn our attention to. Imagine Sisters, laying your head on that warm mass of curls, hearing the steady beat of the Lord's heart and feeling the rise and fall of His chest against your cheek. I will not continue this thought in public, though I am sure you are wayyyy ahead of me in what happens next... I shall find myself a dark corner of the room to meditate on the many possibilities. I may be some time, a search party is not necessary thank you.

I bloody love the Summer!

Tennant x

The Lord bestows great gifts

Sisters and Acolytes

*Praise be to the Lord and his Ten-inch*. Instead of sitting around drawing his dole money since leaving the set of DW last week, it seems the Lord has found gainful employment already (take note Child!!!)

This week has seen a flurry of Google News alerts for the Lord fill the Sisters' inboxes.

Firstly we had news that the Lord's vocal talents were going to be used once more in a cartoon version of the Doctor (to keep the wee kidlets happy). We ignored the fact that the Child had thrown a temper tantrum in order to be given the part of Cassie Rice.

We were then treated to news that the Lord *praise be his name and ten-inch* was to *guest star* in a two part SJA adventure in the Autumn. So more fun for the kidlets.... when was the Lord going to take the Sisters' request for 18+ rated work seriously?

The move towards such work was nearer on Thursday night when it was revealed via little feathered tweety things that the Lord was in the BBC studios in a red velvet jacket trimmed with holly. It seems Xmas comes twice a year for auntie beeb! The Lord was recording on Sir Stephen Fry's quite magnificent game show QI. It seems out Lord wasn't averse to making some smutty comments such as:

SF: It starts with the human scrotum

DT: Doesn't everything

I do hope not too much of his smut ends up on the cutting room floor.

Finally, the news we have all been praying for came on Friday and the T'interweb went into meltdown. The BBC and RSC to film Hamlet with the whole Stratford ensemble on location. To be shown on BBC2 later this year (aka xmas) and DVD available after air date. The Sisters are rejoicing... memories of our Stratford weekend are surfacing from the depths of our minds. What was it again that I shouted at the Stage Door when the Lord didn't come out???

We are imagining the barefoot tux; the red T-shirt with midriff showing, the tighty whity fencing jacket; the tied to a chair *wheeeeeeeeee*; the "cunt - try matters" quote (oh wouldn't that be a fantastic ring tone!!!!)

It is now the weekend and this Sister needs to take stock of the weeks events ... in a darkened room with Casanova and a spatula!

Tennant x

Bank Holiday Blogging

Sisters and Acolytes

So another bank holiday has come and gone and the Lord has bestowed gifts upon the sisterhood.

On Saturday our (Time) Lord *praise be his name and Teninch* surprised a DW fan with an unscheduled appearance on the Tardis set just to remind everyone that it is still HIS TARDIS until 2010. The sisters' hearts were a-racing when he poked his head through the door and laid a hand on the fortunate's shoulder. We notice that the spacehopper T shirt seems to be in favour at the moment. Maybe our Lord is pining for Derren Brown?

As an added bonus to set us up for returning to the world of work tomorrow, the BBC sneaked a programme narrated by the Lord into the schedules this evening. It was by chance that this Sister, keen on hearing the news of dirty deeds from the Palace of Westminster, remained on the flagship channel one to hear the Lord's words of wisdom. He was explaining about doctors and everest and pulmonary odema or something. I didnt pay much attention to the images of rugged men wrapped in anoraks, I was marvelling at how the Lord can make near death experiences seem very sexy! He should narrate more BBC programmes, or read the news, or be the voice of the speaking clock.... Ok, sorry getting a little carried away and hysterical now!

So, it would have been a very acceptable bank holibobs (we even got some sunshine) if it were not for a certain Child causing trouble. And I'm not talking about the Princess of Darkness for a change. No I am talking about The Child of the Devil, popping up and spoiling the fun for everyone. Firstly she tags along on a boys night out in Cardiff. There is John happily shaking his booty for all to see, being supported from the balcony by best mate David and who is seen loitering in the dark? Yes, you guessed it, the blonde bimbo herself, looking less than impressed at the Lord making a fool of himself in a Team Barrowman T shirt and waving like a mad fanboi when the spotlight picks him out of the crowd!

As if this were not enough, we then hear news that she is to *star* in a new Doctor Who animated adventure with our Time Lord. As Jenny? I hear you asking. No, Jenny is clearly been left behind in time and space, abandoned, unloved, unwanted *snigger snigger* The Child is portraying a character called Cassie Rice - sounds like number 56 from my local chinese restuarant! Is this her swan-song? Will the Lord finally realise that she is leaching the life, the career and (as evidence from the Baftas would indicate) the awards from Him?

Sisters and Acolytes the time has come to pray for the Lord like you have never prayed before. Spatulas in hand I call to you to kneel before the 40" altar and chant with me

*Ditch the Child*

*Ditch the Child*

*Ditch the Child*

Lord the Sisters are waiting for you .....

Tennant

How quickly the Mighty Ten-Inch doth fall

Sisters and Acolytes

As we near the magical date of 22 May when the Lord of Time *praise be his name and teninch* will rise into the sky and transform into a floppy haired toddler, pictures emerge of how the Lord's life is undergoing a radical change.

On Thursday, our Lord Teninch is snapped emerging from F*cking Gordon F*cking Ramsey's place at F*cking Claridges clad in the Holy White Pinstripe Jacket being pursued relentlessly by the paps of her Majesty's Gutter Press. You will be pleased to see, Sisters, that as he is chased down the street, he does not stop to retrieve a Child, so either she was home in bed as it was a school night, or he was happy for her to be trampled by the photographers! Either way, it is a result!

Merely one day later, another picture emerges showing that the Lord is not adjusting well to the thought of life after *Who*. This picture shows our Lord, clearly the worse for drink, trudging the streets of Cardiff looking for where he parked the TARDIS.

It appears that he is about to revisit the dodgy curry he had in the Raj Mahal an hour earlier with the (female) producer of a quaint US show on Public Broadcast Service channel. She was impressed with his ability to *nail* his characters and he was persuaded to cross the pond by her promise to line up a whole new female payroll in Virginia.

We trust our Acolytes in the colonies will repay our generosity in the past, by uploading any visions and moving images of our Lord which appear on their screen to the sacred You-don't-Tube in the Fall.

Tennant (for now) x

The Parable of the Lord and the Child

Sisters

The above pictures bear witness to the parable of the Lord and the Child which was recounted from the Pulpit at the Festival Church Hall last Sunday.

As my Sister has so kindly reported earlier in the week, the Lord's name was not taken in vain and he was not honoured with a craven image during the overlong service... much to the disapproval of the congregation and the Sisters in particular.

However, as the Sister alluded to in her earlier post, a most interesting story emerged after the sermon had finished as everyone was leaving the church hall full of Holy Water and Communion Wine. As we can see from the above pictures, the Lord was unhappy with the behaviour of some younger members of his flock and gave them a good talking to before they were allowed to go home to bed. I am sure he was reminding this particular child of the devil of the TEN Commandments:

1) Thou shall always walk 10 paces behind thy Lord when out in public
2) Thou shall not address me by any pet names or in any way indicate that we are anything more than colleagues
3) Thou shall not hold my hand under any circumstances
4) Thou shall not give me clothing advice
5) Thou shall bring crayons and a colouring book to keep thyself amused when the grown -ups are talking
6) Thou shall NEVER interrupt me
7) Thou shall NEVER question my judgement nor my opinions
8) Thou shall NEVER sponge of thy elders
9) Thou shall honour me and obey me in all things
10) Thou shall not covet my career; thou shall get thy fucking own.

If she doesn't like these commandments, well she knows where the door is! BYE BYE :)

And the moral of this story is that the Lord really does need an older woman who can chuck his bloody commandments out of the window of his Toyota Penis along with the sparkly T shirts and baseball caps.

Tennant x

Who's not a happy bunny?

Sisters and Acolytes

Sunday last, the Sisters gathered at the 40" altar patiently awaiting new holy visions and wise words from the Lord 10" (Praise be upon his name and 10"). Sitting with spatula in hand it was not long before the Sisterhood were rewarded with the sight of the holy velvet and sacred stubble. Across the land many pairs of bloomers combusted at such visions before their eyes.

The Lord seemed to be in jovial mood, and sat beside him was a wee child who had been given a treat and allowed to wear her Sunday best dress to the party and sit with the grown ups. She was very good as the people running the event gave her a colouring book and some crayons to keep her quiet. Many awards were bestowed upon the plastic people of tellyland, who accepted graciously and thanked all their luvvie friends for being luvvies. All was well until our loves efforts were nominated and looked over for super luvvie, Kenny the Bragga and his Van der Valk rip off. (BOOOOOOOOO!) How very dare they!!! Nomination 2 came and the Sisters clutched onto their sonics and offered prayers of pervedom to the universe that our beloved would triumph; No such luck, again our Lord's efforts were overlooked for some drama about a girl and her relationship with a scarf upon her head. The Sisters were disgusted with the powers that be and immediately declared unholy Jihad upon them.

Just as the could take no more a big surpirse arrived and our Lord came out to present an award to Ms T for being an all round good egg. Standing before the great unwashed of luvviedom our Love addressed the nation. The sight of stubble was too much in one night and I must confess to having to punish myself many times for such naughty thoughts.

The evening ended and then the members of her majesty's gutter press paps came out to play. Reports the next day claim our Lord was none too pleased at the end result and faces were pulled. The Sisters have their own take on events post awards. These include the child was over tired and needed to be taken home early as it was play school in the morning. Tantrums were had because she wasn't allowed to walk down the red carpet. Someone had crayoned on the wall....

Until next time.

Tennant.

Only for the true believers

Sisters,

The Lord of Time *praise be his name and ten-inch* has been snapped in foreign lands getting ready to go to sleep. The Lord sorely tempts the Sisters with this Vision of Pervitude and we may need to take ourselves off to a place of solitude and commune with spatula and plastic sheeting.

I trust that he has a grotty old T shirt on just in case of a Fire Alarm in the middle of the night. I also assume that under that cream duvet he has a lovely pair of red Calvin Klein boxers on. I can just picture them now... *drifts off into X rated day-dream*

Let's hope that the Lord has more things that he wants to commit to video diary whilst lying a-bed either in Cardiff or North London over the coming specials. Next time, a non-T-shirt version would be much appreciated!

Sorry I really must go now.... my bloomers have just self-destructed!

Tennant x

Tennant Day

Forgive me Sisters for I have failed in my blogging duties of late. I will punish myself later with a major dose of Casanova followed swiftly by a Secret Smile!

Before that however, today we have been celebrating Tennant day. It started with a vision of breakfast delight, moved through elevenses on the radio and finished with a tea time treat!

Overload of the Lord Ten-inch - may this day go down in history and be celebrated for all time by the wearing of a blue shell suit and Hong Kong Phooey T shirt!

I will leave my sisters to blog further about the Planet of the Dead, as I am sure they will. I, myself enjoyed the romp in the desert but was expecting great things of the deadender and was left less than impressed by her acting ability beside the Lord. Maybe she was overcome by his great presence on the set... or maybe she is only a pretty face and really a pretty crap actress (bionic woman? Second series? that would be a no then!)

We know the Lord's song is ending ... the OOD told us that last year. And whoever doesn't know that the Master is back for the finale has been living on a different planet in the last two weeks... so the *he knocks 4 times* bit wasn't quite so cryptic as it might have been. Come on Ruffle T you can do better than this!! As for *The Waters of Mars*???

The Sisters are all off to Londoom next week - in fact one of our number arrived today and is scoping the joint for us. We shall put up a separate blog about our impending pilgrimage during the week.

Happy Easter Sisters, Acolytes and others dedicated to pervitude

May the Lord sleep with you all!!!

Tennant x

Not long now, Sisters and Acolytes...

...till Our Lord graces our ever vacant screens once again with some Tennanty goodness. We are told The weekend of Easter is the time when the Lord of Time shall play with a double decker bus in Dubai with the Deadender. I am sure we are all in for a bloomer destroying evening. I for one am looking forward to The Sunnies being adorned by our Lad.

Easter cannot come soon enough,

Tennant.x

No words...

...just the sound of bloomers being destroyed all over the T'interweb. I'm off to solitude now to comtemplate the sinful thoughts of the Lord Ten-inch in shades.

Auf Wiedersein

Tennant x

Yet more glorious sights unearthed...

Our Lord the 10" has certainly been a busy boy with The Deadender... new images have come to the surface of their jolly to Dubai. The Lad is looking particuarly thudworthy... with sunglasses as part of The Doctor's usual attire. This easter certainly looks to be a bloomer destroying one!

Tennant.x

Clothing designed with the Sisters in mind

Sisters

It has come to my attention via the auntie BEEBs news on the wireless this fair morn that a clever man in Japan is producing a range of underwear designed specifically for occasions when the Sisters have an audience with the 10" at the 40" altar or in person.

Said knickers are designed to be odour - free, absorb water (and other bodily fluids), insulate the body and dry quickly. They also are flame-resistant and anti-static. We certainly needed them at Stratford!!

We will add this accoutrement into our habits as soon as they become available in the Uk - presumably M&S will be selling them as this is the usual outlet for the Sisters undercrackers.

I am returning to perving now... Will see you all on Monday!

Tennant x

An evening with Our Lord...

Just a little reminder for my Sisters and Acolytes that Our Lord will be appearing on Watch- Sky Channel 109, from 9pm tonight, in his first outing as the Doctor and WDYTYA, where he researched his ancestors. Many a bloomer may be destroyed whilst watching, but the 10" is worth it.

Happy Perving, Sisters.

Tennant.x

Happy St Patricks Day to our Oirish Sister

Sisters and Acolytes

Sister Berny is currently in solitary confinement comtemplating the sinful thoughts that she entertained for the Lord's Arse during Comic Relief last Friday night. The unhelpful souls at PC world are unwilling or unable to furnish her with suitable equipment to return to the land of pervedom for at least 2 weeks.

Our thoughts and messages of condolence have been imparted via the weapon of mass communication and we have wished her well and many guinesses on this special day. If I were a wizz on Photoshop I would have posted her fav pic with only a shamrock covering the Lord's accoutrements. However, I am not a techie and therefore this pic will have to do!

The Lord speed the wire across the water to your home, Sister

Tennant x

Satan's Devilina

Sisters and Acolytes

It is not our Lord (praise be upon his name and 10") who works in mysterious ways, but the Devil. He sent forth his best effort in disguise as one known as Devilina McCallmeaslag, to take on the might of the holy 10". The Devilina one, determined in her efforts, and under different circumstances would be welcomed to the Order of Pervitude but the Sisters were most displeased that it was she and not them who ended up under the Lord and the influence of the 10"!

As ever our Love was a vision, this time in virginal white, (we think this was a joke on his part) expertly fitted to show off the finer points of his loveliness. The hair was rufflesome and the sacred stubble was present. All in all a fine vision to worship and destroyer of many pairs of bloomers. Even the Devil Woman checked out the goods (see above). During the course of his address to the great unwashed to part with cash to help those in far flung lands we were treated so some dodgy dancing, a mastermind quiz, of which our beloved wiped the floor with the devil's dogsbody at his infinite knowledge (something he shares with Sister C). Many people pledged their souls and when it came to leaving the great unwashed she - satan's whore - made her move....

50 Quid was the ransom she offered to be set upon by our beloved. Where on earth were the enlightened few who worship our love and why had they not made vocal declarations that they would be more than willing (and able) to pay considerably higher sums of dirty money for a tumble with our Love? Sister C and myself were most disgusted that our Lord would succumb to such devious methods from a female woman of the opposite sex We had at least 5K in plastic that would have gone to such a worthy cause even if it meant resurfacing the stage area after said tumble. But should be be alarmed at this or the fact the Lord stated he would have done such dirty work for a fiver????? Is our beloved that cheap?!?

Like a true man of Scot, the money was flashed, and he pocketed it before proceeding to convert the wretched woman to pervidtude. I didn't see her complaining as he straddled her riddled body. At this point the Sisterhood went into meltdown at the very thought of the Lord doing this to them. (SHE DEVIL!) Did she think that she would be immune to the charms of the Lord and his 10". No woman can survive the onslaught of such power - unless said woman likes the taste of chicken. The Devilina was floored, she had no escape and our love reigned supreme. Here endeth the first lesson. However as the Devil and the Lord left the stage the Devilina tried once more and touched the sacred A.R.S.E. (Breathe Sister T), to which the Lord demanded another 50 quid. £!3 million had been raised. The Lord is indeed good!

The Sisters sat in shock at what had just happend before their eyes. The sacred vision had gone and now it was the turn to be bored to tears by Jonathan Toss. But we were rewarded as at 10pm our Lord decided that he wanted to be a Rock God and helped out with backing guitar for the very blessed Franz Ferdinand. Lots of facial manipulation and tongue action took place and a leg kick - which knocked the Sisters for six. There is nothing our Love cannot do.

The end of the nose of red day was drawing to a close, but I, weary viewer, stayed true and was rewarded when a drunken Lord returned to the screen to announce the final totalage. Praise be!

All in all it was a moment for the great unwashed of these United Kingdoms and the Sisters.

Let us pray that the Lord will come amongst us once more for the next Nose of Red day.

Tennant X

Hallelujah for The Arse!!!

Oh my days, Sisters and Acolytes! Never before have I witnessed such sheer beauty as I did briefly last night! The Lad wiggling his derriere for all the world (and sisterhood) to see. I need to lie down. Preferably with The Lord on top of me. I wonder if this can be arranged...

ARSE,

Tennant x

Lord of the Red Nose

Sisters

I know that there are many and varied things to be said about our Lord of the Red Nose on the 40" altar last night, but if I may make a number of observations:

1. The Suit

OMG! the white pinstripe suit was GENIUS!. Gok Wan could have done no better. I think they must have sewn him into it because it fitted so tightly and beautifully. (*another pair of bloomers just self combusted thinking about it*)

2 or b). The Arse

The arse was used to perfection during the show. Is it normal to feel the urge to bite it! I must away to confession when I have posted this to watch 2 Blackpools and a Secret Smile to atone for my sinful thoughts.

3 or c). The Swot

Now I am not one to boast, but along with the Lord, I also scored highly in the Mastermind contest. I always knew there was more between us than simply lust. Step aside ladies, I will astonish the Lord into submission by the brilliance of my wit and repartee!

4 or d) or iv) The SNOG

We have mentioned this is the blog earlier, and I feel sure that on her return from spreading the word of our Lord around the local Hostelries in Scouseland that Sister S will have something to say on the matter of Devilina snogging the Lord in public. All I can say is Fucking Hell Lord you are one cheap snog! £50 is that all! We were willing to give you £100 in Stratford for a snog and we donated £100 to CR and all we asked for was a quick *hello*. BUT NO!!!! Snog Devilina for £50, but turn down £100 from the Sisters - SHAME ON YOU! You need punishing for this serious lack of judgement - we will be coming up to extract our pound of flesh on for your Birthday so watch out!

In Conclusion then... Comic Relief = a wonderful night had by all, perving the lad AND raising money to help the less fortunate access the Lord's words... all in all a very good night!

Till 2011 - Tennant x