Thursday, 30 April 2009

The Parable of the Lord and the Child


The above pictures bear witness to the parable of the Lord and the Child which was recounted from the Pulpit at the Festival Church Hall last Sunday.

As my Sister has so kindly reported earlier in the week, the Lord's name was not taken in vain and he was not honoured with a craven image during the overlong service... much to the disapproval of the congregation and the Sisters in particular.

However, as the Sister alluded to in her earlier post, a most interesting story emerged after the sermon had finished as everyone was leaving the church hall full of Holy Water and Communion Wine. As we can see from the above pictures, the Lord was unhappy with the behaviour of some younger members of his flock and gave them a good talking to before they were allowed to go home to bed. I am sure he was reminding this particular child of the devil of the TEN Commandments:

1) Thou shall always walk 10 paces behind thy Lord when out in public
2) Thou shall not address me by any pet names or in any way indicate that we are anything more than colleagues
3) Thou shall not hold my hand under any circumstances
4) Thou shall not give me clothing advice
5) Thou shall bring crayons and a colouring book to keep thyself amused when the grown -ups are talking
6) Thou shall NEVER interrupt me
7) Thou shall NEVER question my judgement nor my opinions
8) Thou shall NEVER sponge of thy elders
9) Thou shall honour me and obey me in all things
10) Thou shall not covet my career; thou shall get thy fucking own.

If she doesn't like these commandments, well she knows where the door is! BYE BYE :)

And the moral of this story is that the Lord really does need an older woman who can chuck his bloody commandments out of the window of his Toyota Penis along with the sparkly T shirts and baseball caps.
Tennant x


Acolyte Mia said...

Let me hear an "amen"! One might have hoped that the Lord would have pushed the Child out on her own to make her own way in the world, so that He could himself find a BBD (bigger, better deal) in a woman rather than an adolescent. Rather than focus on she of too much lower eyeliner, let us instead gaze on the velvet and imagine those fingers doing the most (in) appropriate things...bloomer alert!

Sister Chastity said...

Yes Indeedy Acolyte. Now I have vented, I feel ready to once more welcome the Lord's bounty into my ... heart.

As it is a holibobs of bank this weekend a marathon worshipping at the 40" Altar may be in order.

Praise be to the Lord and his glorious 10"

Tennant x

Carole said...

May i offer another *amen* to that!
It's just a pity that the Lord *praise to his name*,cannot see past the blinkers what a mature woman has more to offer and pleasure Our lord...why does he torment us so?...Little blondes should be banished!...pray this 'tantrum/hissy fit' shows him that she's not worthy...

angelesque said...

Many, many thanks for your sermon on this parable (saw it was banned on t'other site!). It seems he is indeed tiring of SClub adolescent tarts and may indeed be ready to move to... A 28 year old brunette?
*waits expectantly to commune with the Lord*
A x

Carole said...

We must pray so hard...but alas,the Child has been seen this weekend in our Lords dwell in North Londoom.

Sarah said...

she probably came to collect crayons and drawing book she had forgotten there after being scolded by the Lord last week...
As sisters and acolytes, I think we should show some compassion towards this poor thing... her career is clearly down the drain, even tabloïds can't manage to remember her name properly... our Lord is all she's got left. And it won't last for long. He looks indeed tired of the Child, and anyway, He will probably soon be crossing the pond to bring His light to the Americas... let's pity her and, out of pure magnanimity, wish her to enjoy these last moments...

Acolyte Mia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Acolyte Mia said...

Sarah, your words reminded me that we should follow the *Time* Lord's benevolence when dealing with lesser beings (bless her heart)...but at the same time, His moments of righteous indignation in the face of utter mediocrity leave me pondering "WWDT do?" As to the possibility of the Lad gracing our fair shores...well, from your lips to His ears, sister!

Sarah said...

Amen to that !!
From my lips to anything He wants !! :)