Sunday, 29 November 2009

The Lord Sends Social Dis-services into Meltdown

Sisters and Acolytes

I bring to you news that will cause distress across the green and pleasant land of Blighty. Earlier in the week the Holy book of Sun published the sacred schedules for the Christmas perve fest. For the past few years this has not proved to be cause for concern. Our Lord (praise be his name and 10”) would deliver his Christmas present to Womankind at around 7.00pm. There would be a hush across the land as our beloved burst upon the 40” altar. For the next hour the Sisters and assorted member of the great unwashed would listen to his wise words and perve with wonderment at the many attributes possessed by one so divine. After the sermon had been delivered from the 40” altar the Sisters would then quickly rush to the confessional channel to see the Lord explain his actions.

This year could well shake up families over the festive period. The Lord has finally taken over Christmas and for this year it shall be known as Tennant’s Day. The Sisters have no objection to the world joining in with their celebration, however we do feel the need to warn the much maligned Social Care professional busy-bodies that the sacred schedules will be the cause for many families to be in peril this coming Tennant morn as the BBC have deemed it necessary to air the adventures of our beloved as the moody lil f*cker, Hammy at 9.00am! As young children awake to the delights of what Santa has brought it is not right that they see their own mothers rocking to and fro in front of the 40” altar, making strange noises as the Lord appears with the holy red T upon his frame. This could scar children for many years as bloomers across the country combust. By the time the Lord finishes with womankind they will be in no fit state to prepare Christmas lunch. I do believe that many families may be subject to TV dinners this year. This is where our over-paid and underworked colleagues in Social Care should appeal to the BCC and demand that Hammy be screened at a more appropriate time or they will have to drag themselves away from their own firesides to deal with families in crisis. £200.00 for working over the Christmas period is not worth the ear bashing they shall receive. As the Sisters know the SS are planning on LALA Land domination (LALA in this context is Local Authority, therefore they, and they alone, have it within their power to move Hammy to a more appropriate hour – think watershed people!

Later in the day the Lord will appear once more to begin the tale of his demise as the great Lord of Time. The Sisters will gather at the altar, with copious amounts of sacred wine and Kleenex. As Sister C has mentioned the Lord is omnipresent. Alongside the Buzzcocks appearance, QI, DW, Hammy, silver screen outings, etc, etc, etc…. the Sisters have learnt that the Lord is narrating the bedtime story this Tennant’s Eve. The Lord is indeed clever as he can read the nation’s youngest a story whilst he reads to the child. No doubt she will be too excited to sleep that night as Santa works his way around the planet. Wonder if it is a sack of coal or a new Barbie doll this year???

Social Services – expect this festive period to be busy. You have been warned.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

The Lord of Time Victorious


Well here we are, a week on from our Lord of Time *praise be his name and teninch* bending the laws of time unto His will and in the process setting in train the series of events which will ultimately lead to His own destruction.

Many parts of the world weird T'interweb are awash with spoilers and theories, trying to second guess what Sir Russell ('The Tease')Davies may have in store for us to follow our Roast Turkey microwave dinner on the fifth and twenty of December. You will get no such premature emmanations from the Sisters. We prefer to keep our powder dry and bow to the mighty RTD's wit and wisdom. We note with joyful pleasure that the Lord of Time has seen fit to name a Galaxy after one of the Sisters and has plucked a Tudor Rose. We await with great anticipation the return of the Masterful One and some old favourites being wheeled out again in what we are sure will be a fitting send off for the Tenth (and best) Doctor.

This week we have also had the Kiddies in Need appeal with our Lord making an impassioned plea for everyone to donate. Sadly, it seems that I misunderstood what our Lord was appealing for, and was most surprised when Social Services knocked at the door. It turns out he wanted me to donate money, not my 15 year old daughter! Easy mistake to make knowing our Lord's penchant for small, skinny, blonde drama queens!

If Twitterland is to be believed, the Lord went to support his mate John in La Cage Aux Folles earlier this week. I wonder whether the Lord himself fancies taking to the boards in high heels as his next career move. Remembering Davina, I'm sure he has the legs for it - maybe he could take over from Jason am-I-gay-or-not Donovan in Priscilla Queen of the Desert?

As the Sabbath draws to a close, the Lord still has another trip to LALA land to film Rex. Casting news and bits and pieces of the possible plotlines keep emerging which seem to suggest 2 love interests for the Lord - one an ex-fiancee and one an intern who has the hots for him. The Sisters are not taking bets on which one ends up in his bed!

Just in case you were thinking we had forgotten her, the Child pops up in Merlin next Saturday and her father was just on Miranda as a randy french teacher. Puts you off switching the telly on doesn't it!

Au revoir mes amies

Tennant x

Sunday, 8 November 2009

The Lord is omnipresent


Visions of the Lord have been many and wondrous this week.

As requested by the Sisters and Acolytes, the Lord donned the blessed brown velvet to cross swords with the sainted Graham of the Norton. He excited many beating fangirl hearts by daring to show a little leg as he made himself comfy next to Johnny *big man* Vegas on the plush red sofa. A sneak peek of the show has been previewed on YouDontTube and the Lord seems to be enjoying himself mightily as a poor wee thing gets snogged by the Vegas. Lucky girl, a snog from the Lord *praise be his name and Teninch* would have seen her being taken away on a stretcher!

The Lord was busy busy bust last week, hosting a special Never Mind The Buzzcocks with his mates Bernie (right said fred) Cribbins and Catherine (i'm not bovvered) Tate. It seems the Lord is becoming a panel show favourite - still waiting for his debut on Have I Got News For You - though I feel sure it cannot be long.

Of course the Lord is adept at many aspects of the media business. He turns his hand to radio broadcasting this week on Absolute Radio with the CO'C. No that's not our Oirish Sister - the other CO'C! I look forward to listening to his sultry scottish tones over the crackling MW car radio on my way to my place of work on Wed-Fri this week. I may be a little more perky when I arrive than usual!! I wonder how manic he will sound after the several expressos it will take to get him up for 5.30am!

And so at this, the close of the final Sunday before the country is flooded by the Waters of Mars, I offer a vision of the future. A vision so bright, it has to wear shades. A vision of the Lord in the tighty whitey fencing costume which had such a profound affect on the Sisters when viewed at close quarters in both Shakeyland and Londoom.

Lord be praised....

Lord be mighty....

Lord come here and take off me nighty!

Tennant Sisters x