Friday, 19 March 2010

"The Ex" is Coming Home

Sisters, Acolytes and Followers

Early this morn the Sisters were in receipt of a missive which doth please our hearts greatly. The Daily Fail did write upon the T'interweb that Sophia Myles (aka 'Soppy' or 'the Biatch') is coming home to Eng-er-land to favour her considerable *talents* upon the set of Spooks, thereby replacing the indomitable Hermione Norris and taking her rightful place beside Richard *Sir Guy of Gisbourne* Armitage. And why doth this please the Sisters so, I hear you cry at your laptops? Well being that you asketh us so politely, I shall tell, though it is a sad story and may upset the wee ones. 

Sophia was a young, blonde actress, lured to the bright lights of the BBC Welsh Wales studio in Cardiff. The BBC kitted her out in a cast-off dress from Dame Helen Mirren and made her snog the Time Lord *praise be his name and Ten-inch*. What chance did the poor mite have? After the Lord rode in on a white stallion and saved her from the robot men, He then took his reward from her in the suite at the St David's Hotel and Spa. 

After a couple of years doing the showbiz rounds of premieres (Harry Potter); V Festivals; and charity pop concerts, (although even here the Lord managed some *backstage time* with the scantily clad Pussycat Dolls), it seemed that the couple were destined for each other: a girl who was clearly in love (and who can blame her?) and the Lord Ten-inch who was quite happy with a bit of blonde skirt on his arm.

Then disaster struck! Dun..dun..dun....

Soppy was offered a career in a vamp sitcom across the Pond. Oh what to do? Stay with her Lord and master or let British Airways whisk her away to fame and fortune? Surely the Lord would wait for her? Alas! How wrong she was! No sooner had she unpacked her cases in the hotel room in LALAland than her mobile rang. How dare she get a career in Hollywood before Him! Didn't she realise that He was the famous Actor in this relationship?

It was over. She bought a dog and complained to all her friends about how homesick she was. Her vamp series lasted a while, then got cancelled by crappy, american TV execs and gradually her name faded into the past. The Lord however, went from strength to strength being crowned *greatest Time Lord of all time*. His greatest frustration however, was that no matter how hard he tried, Hollywood doors remained firmly closed to Him. He took a new blonde to keep the Ten-inch entertained and worked all the hours in the week voicing adverts for cheap mobile phone networks and soup-making machines just to keep her in crayons and colouring books.

And now Sophia is BACK! We are anticipating tantrums in Twickers and maybe a *school reunion* or two in the back rooms of the Ivy!

In honour of Soppy's return, the Sisters have corrupted this little ditty from the Eng-er-land Football team...

We still believe, we still believe, we still believe
She's coming home,
She's coming home, She's coming
Sophia's coming home

Tears for Lad dressed in grey
No plans for a wedding day
Stay in bed, drift away
It could have been all
Songs in the street
It was nearly complete
It was nearly so sweet
And now Im singing

Paul Smith on the shirt
Diamond ring still gleaming
No more years of hurt
No more need for dreaming

Talk about Sophia coming home
And then one night in the Ivy
They were strong, they had grown
And now I see He's ready for war
She's as good as before
The Lord's ready to score
And the Child is screaming

Paul Smith on the shirt
Diamond ring still gleaming
No more years of hurt
No more need for dreaming

We can dance the Lad's dance
We could dance it in France

She's coming home, She's coming home,
Sophia's coming home....

Thursday, 11 March 2010

The Passion of the Time Lord

Sisters, Acolytes and followers,

Please forgive the parcity of blog posts as of late. I doubt that I need to remind our fellow followers of pervitudity that we are currently in Lent. Lent is of course the period of the pervitudinal year leading up to that most holy of holydays - Easter, which is previous years has been the traditional time of resurrection of our (Time) Lord *praise be his name and teninch* to the 40" altar.

For those not steeped in the Holy Book of the Ruffle T, the purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Perving Week of the Death and Resurrection of the (Time)Lord. Thus the Sisters have been in seclusion, knelt in penance before the full size statue of the Lord Himself, cleansing their souls in preparation for the re-birth of the Holy Ten-inch in the form of A Single Father.

Conventionally, Lent is described as being forty days long - the length of time that the Lord endured temptation. Now we know that the Ten-inch can no more resist tempation than Sister Shagwell can resist winding up the kiddies, so in honour of all our followers who are mothers, we have broken our perving preparations to bring you a mothers' day smorgasbord of gorgeousness. If any acolyte has given up perving the Lord for Lent - please look away now!

After that I think we all need a bit of lie down, so go take the weight off your pins and sit down and meditate on the wonderfulness that is David Tennant - Lord of all heaven and earth and God of Pervitude.

Tennant xxxxx