Thursday, 27 August 2009

Summer Madness

Dear Sisters and Acolytes

I see we have reached out and touched some new acolytes this month and we warmly welcome them all into the family of pervitude. We hope you have finally found your spiritual home and will remain perving happily till the end of your days. If not, and you find the Sisterhood less than you had hoped for, then good riddance and don't let the door hit you on your way out!

As the Summer draws to a close and the final Bank Holiday approaches (and I have to ask why the Banks need any more holibobs with what they have done to t'country - but I digress) the Sisters' minds turn to the Lord (praise his name and 10") and how he might take us into the darkest of winters this year.
So in no particular order this is what we can look forward to:

Doctor Who - Waters of Mars; Nightmares Reign; and the End of Time as well as the little sister show The Greatest Moments;
Hamlet - 3 hours of the Mardy Dane talking to a ghost with a few murrrrderrrrrrs thrown in;
St Trinians - The Lord Tenninch romping around in an all girls boarding school with a transvestite and Mr Darcy;
QI - The Lord showing his spoddy side and talking about sex a lot

Along with a radio spot with his mate Christian talking about gardening and relationships sort of 'Jeremy Kyle for Luvvies'.
No doubt there will be many short appearances on such shows as Breakfast News, GMTV, The One Show, and of course with this mate Wossy, as he plugs all these various projects.

Those acoloytes who live across the Pond will also have PBS (Masterbate) Masterpiece to look forward to shortly.

Announcements of future projects (such as the Riddler and the Hobbit) have yet to be made, so we can only assume that as September approaches, the Lord is once more claiming job-seekers allowance and will be forced into posing for the new Anne Summers catalogue, or even worse, doing voiceovers for Tesco and Argos to make ends meet. We will wait and see.

In the meantime the Lord himself, as some of you spotted, has been celebrating the end of the Summer by attending the V Festival last week. He (and his 10") was bitterly disappointed to discover that the Festival consisted of a series of slebs playing instruments and singing in tents rather than nubile young Virgins as he had expected. As you can see from the photographs, he did try his luck for a threesome with James Corden and his girlfriend but was put off by the voyeur sat next to them.

Whilst the Lord was trying to put his 10" in any sleb hole he could find, the Child and the Elf spent their time in the creche alongside Pixie Lott, Peaches Geldoff and Lily Allen making tiaras and decorating paper plates with different types of dried pasta . The Lord only met up with them once the Boys Who Proclaim had done their set and he had shagged all the women on the site.

Autumn will of course find the Lord alone in London as the Child will be moving to Cardiff next week to begin work on that long-running hospital drama assuming she can improve her reading to Key Stage 2 level so that she can say trachiotomy and order an MRI and C-Spine scan. We assume that she will have some love interest with a senior consultant and leave after 6 months to go work in Africa/have a love child/commit suicide. While she is away comparing shagging notes with the female payroll of BBC welsh wales, the Sisters will make their way to a certain street in North London and comfort the Lord in his solitude. And the Lord will be MOST grateful, several times a night.

This Sister is now signing off until September as I am needed to preach to the great unwashed in the Eastern part of the country.

Tennant x

Friday, 14 August 2009

If Carlsberg did news stories....


Timelord turns Gaylord....

by Shhhitt Stare-er

"The Child" was in hiding from fangirls world wide after it was revealed her ex lover, David Tennant, announced he was homosexual...

Tennant made the statement via his new Twitter account that he could no longer jump the bones of someone who is barely old enough to stay up after 9pm. He also admitted to shagging the entire female payroll at BBC Wales - twice, and had worked his way though the A-Z of the female Actors' guide, therefore men were his only option.

Relatives of "The Child", desperate for column inches in any of the publications of her majesty's Gutter Press have made it known that they are very disappointed with the former Lord of Time as he was their meal ticket to the media spotlight. (who where they again?) If anyone is really interested in what mardy arse has to say please contact the 7 mobile, 15 email accounts or any of the 27 telephone numbers below. Supermarkets opened for £3.50, After-dinner speaking, £5.00

The Holy Sisters of Pervitude have commented it was no surprise that Tennant, 38, had come out of the closet as they believed Mardy Arse, aged 6, had drained the life out of their Love. Sister Chastity of the Holy Order produced photographic evidence of the couple at various functions looking thoroughly miserable in each other's company. However, at the recent Comic Con event in LALA Land where Tennant travelled alone with Jonny Toss and his nubile daughters, there was a positive air of happiness about him. Speaking from the 40" altar, the Sisters believe that their beloved has not looked so lush in a lonnnnnnnnnnng time.

The Sisters have offered their condolences to the rest of female fandom, vowing to assist those in deepest distress in hunting down the little witch. Reports from T'other side claim that many hormonal kiddies have chucked their teddies out of the pram, some have even gone as far as to declare their devoted love to the Toddler of the Tardis. Sister Chastity assuredDavid that they will be waiting for his return to flue inspection duties once he comes to his senses.

Meanwhile John Barrowman who has been comforting the Scot during this emotional time has denied rumours that he and Tennant were in talks with Hollyweird to star in Mounty 10" Python's "Arse Bandits". Barrowman threw the biggest "outing" known to Scotland in an attempt to cheer up his friend. In attendance were Stephen Fry, Paul O'Grady, Will Young, Russell T Davies, Jimmy Sommerville, George Michael, Elton John, Ian McKellan, Allan Cumming, Alan Carr and the Village People. However reports say that Tennant disappeared with a blonde and a brunette woman...

Business as usual???

Monday, 3 August 2009

LALA land is blessed

Dear Sisters and Acolytes

These last 10 days or so have seen much excitement amongst the Sisterhood with the Lord's much heralded and awaited sojourn in LALA land. We understand that he travelled with a certain chat show host known as Tosser - sorry Wossy (always get that wrong!), his flame-haired spouse and their excitable female offspring. This combination must have made for an interesting time aboard the British Airways jumbo jet and we wonder which of the females on board joined with the Lord in the mile-high club.

Wossy tweeted their arrival in LA and the Lord was then next spotted talking to a wierd alien like creature in the foyer of Comic Con. The Sisters always wondered what had happened to Judith from T'Other Site. Well now we know!

The Lord (*praise be his name and teninch*) then proceeded to show the world that despite recent pictures, he had not lost his ability to have fun. It was simply that the Child has been inhibiting this playful side of him and turning him into a mardy ol' fucker just like her! His playful nature came to the fore when introducing the DW and TW special screenings when he proceeded to stick his tongue down John Barrowman's throat! John, of course, the true honarary Sister that he is, completely over-reacted and with bloomers disintegrating on the spot, promptly dropped to the floor at His feet.

The following day His Magnificance stunned the Sisters as the T shirt combo was raised above the level of the jeans in triumph to reveal the appendectomy scar - a particular favourite part of the body for the Sisters' lust and perving. Picture after picture appeared on the weird wide web and there was a threat at several points that T'interweb would indeed be in meltdown such was the tweeting and facebooking of such visions of gorgeousness!
Comic Con over, the Sisters felt it was safe to once more peruse the Net without the fear of bloomers being destroyed, however it was not yet safe to enter the waters of T'interweb. The Lord had moved on from San Diego to Pasadena and the TCA press junket. More loveliness and stubble appeared and the Sisters once more fell to their knees in praise of the Lord Teninch. Keyboards were cleaned of drool and more pictures posted for the great unwashed of Twitter to behold. Finally, just as the Sisters' nether regions could take no more, Sunday brought the PBS panel and the Lord in a favoured T shirt and Jacket combo sat next to Richard Gere's ugly sister, water bottle in hand and stubble on face. Sister Shagwell's weekend was made!

And so dear Sisters and Tennant - lovers everywhere, the Lord's visit to LALA land is complete. He has returned to Blighty to complete his stint with Rupert (ever so gay) Everett and the school girls of St Trinians. He also attends his 'mother-in-law's wedding to her drama teacher toy boy on August 14th. After this who knows?? We await announcements of future work with bated breath...

I have added a selection of his USA pics to this post. ENJOY!

Tennant Sisters