Friday, 3 October 2008

Dear Sisters...

The Sisters, known for their wisdom and for calling an instrument for tilling the soil an instrument for tilling the soil, have been receiving an increasing number of emails from poor lost souls who need more clarity of purpose in their lives.

As always the Sisters are willing to help. Here is a selection of the Dear Sisters letters we received this week:

Dear Sisters, I am a victim of cyber bullying. I can’t leave the house for fear of being pelted with eggs. I think it may be something to do with the man who buys my rusks and milk. love Georgia

Dear Georgia... fuck off and leave the Lad to some real women!
Love, the Sisters

Dear Sisters, I came to America to seek my fortune but have ended up on a shit vamp show. should I return to the UK and get back with my previous boyfriend? Soph

Dear Soppy.... We advise you stay put as you have more chance of making a fortune than shagging your ex.
Love, the Sisters

Dear Sisters, I live in welsh Wales and had a fantastic relationship with my previous partner before he dumped me, was I being too clingy as his work often kept him from my bed, and apart from that my 'rents complained about the noise when he stayed over? B

Dear welsh sheep shagger, I fear that it was never destined to be true love between you and your partner. His job is his life and frankly you were just a convenient shag. Get over it, and for Thorssake move out of the 'rents or your never going have a decent relationship.
Love, the Sisters

Dear Sisters, I am a small aussie gay icon and I have fallen for a tall Scottish lad. We find it hard to shag because I am so small he can’t find me in the dark. Can you suggest any positions which we might try?

Dear Kylie, it is Kylie isn't it? Our advice is DON'T DO IT! if he is that tall you may end up be impaled on a weapon of mass orgasm and may never sing again - hang on, go for your life girl!
Love, the Sisters xx

Dear sisters, my name is… well people just call me Gremlin. I work for BBC welsh wales and have fallen for a colleague. Recently I caught him in the stationery cupboard with another co-worker. I feel so humiliated and ashamed. He has gone away to work at the moment but is due back in January. How can I cope upon his return? Please help me sisters.

Gremlin you say? Strange as I thought you spelt Jennie will a J. Our advice would be to carry on as if nothing had happened as I feel this colleague will do the same to the next available payroll number. Could you not transfer or alternatively ensure that your colleague is surrounded by men who are travelling on "the other bus" Maybe that way he will stick to the job in hand and not go looking to sharpen his pencil in another hole.
Love, the Sisters

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