If Carlsberg did news stories....

TENNANT OUTED

Timelord turns Gaylord....

by Shhhitt Stare-er

"The Child" was in hiding from fangirls world wide after it was revealed her ex lover, David Tennant, announced he was homosexual...

Tennant made the statement via his new Twitter account that he could no longer jump the bones of someone who is barely old enough to stay up after 9pm. He also admitted to shagging the entire female payroll at BBC Wales - twice, and had worked his way though the A-Z of the female Actors' guide, therefore men were his only option.

Relatives of "The Child", desperate for column inches in any of the publications of her majesty's Gutter Press have made it known that they are very disappointed with the former Lord of Time as he was their meal ticket to the media spotlight. (who where they again?) If anyone is really interested in what mardy arse has to say please contact the 7 mobile, 15 email accounts or any of the 27 telephone numbers below. Supermarkets opened for £3.50, After-dinner speaking, £5.00

The Holy Sisters of Pervitude have commented it was no surprise that Tennant, 38, had come out of the closet as they believed Mardy Arse, aged 6, had drained the life out of their Love. Sister Chastity of the Holy Order produced photographic evidence of the couple at various functions looking thoroughly miserable in each other's company. However, at the recent Comic Con event in LALA Land where Tennant travelled alone with Jonny Toss and his nubile daughters, there was a positive air of happiness about him. Speaking from the 40" altar, the Sisters believe that their beloved has not looked so lush in a lonnnnnnnnnnng time.

The Sisters have offered their condolences to the rest of female fandom, vowing to assist those in deepest distress in hunting down the little witch. Reports from T'other side claim that many hormonal kiddies have chucked their teddies out of the pram, some have even gone as far as to declare their devoted love to the Toddler of the Tardis. Sister Chastity assuredDavid that they will be waiting for his return to flue inspection duties once he comes to his senses.

Meanwhile John Barrowman who has been comforting the Scot during this emotional time has denied rumours that he and Tennant were in talks with Hollyweird to star in Mounty 10" Python's "Arse Bandits". Barrowman threw the biggest "outing" known to Scotland in an attempt to cheer up his friend. In attendance were Stephen Fry, Paul O'Grady, Will Young, Russell T Davies, Jimmy Sommerville, George Michael, Elton John, Ian McKellan, Allan Cumming, Alan Carr and the Village People. However reports say that Tennant disappeared with a blonde and a brunette woman...

Business as usual???