Sunday, 20 March 2011

Red Nose Day

Sisters, Acolytes and Faithful Followers,

Well its been quite busy since I last blogged. I won't bore you all with the Lord Teninch's comings and goings (though I fear with the Child about to pop there have been precious few *cough* comings for him lately) However, I do feel there are some moments of note that the Sisters cannot let pass without comment.

The Lord has been undertaking some Charidee work of late (and by that I don't mean that he's been helping children and old ladies to do their shopping - but he has been seen buying nappies, wipes and sudocrem in Waitrose). No, I mean real, proper charidee work for Sir Richard of Curtis. The Lord was shown on prime time BBC1 in a Ugandan Hospital with some poor kiddywinks suffering from Malaria.

The directors and producers of this fine piecce of televisual drama, thought nothing of the effect his heartfelt appeal would do to the female population of Great Britain. As he spoke direct to camera, waggling his wee finger in strict schoolmaster style, bloomers all over the land spontaneously combusted. He choked back the tears telling us he'd promised himself he wouldn't cry, thus ensuring that grown men and women would reach for their Visa cards, sobbing and wailing into their Kleenex. The film finished and Adele added to the emotion by singing *Someone Like You* straight afterwards. Predictably, though clearly not to the BBC, the phonelines went on a meltdown and the cash poured into RND coffers. Indeed, according to Her Maj's Gutter Press yesterday, that segment raised the more dosh than any other. We, of course, would expect nothing less from our Lord Tenninch telling us to donate!

Does this tell you something Sir Richard?

1) Next time, just get David Tennant to present the whole lot. You will raise millions;

2) Get him to do it naked and you will wipe out world poverty for good!

3) Cast him in your next film, or Bridget Jones 3 or whatever you like for a sure fire box office smash; and

4 or d or iv GET HIM TO TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF and you'll win a bloody BAFTA, OSCAR or whatever the Porn industry equivalent is!

The second little snippet I would like to comment on is also related to RND. His appearance on 24 hour panel people with David Walliams stirred a mini revolution on T'interweb, especially amongst the wee birdies that tweet. I am obviously referring to the pre-show section before Blankety Blank where the Lord could be seen in deep conversation with our National Treasure Dame Babs of Windsor. There was much debate to be had about what the Lord ACTUALLY said, as the sound was unavailable. The best lipreaders in the land were beseeched to provide the transcript of the conversation, but there was much discord and disagreement. In the end, it seemed that there was some agreement that he was relating a past event, and one where either he, or the person he was talking about had been shocked by being told something unexpected.  The words "well at first (He/I) was like *shocked face* Oh OK" were generally agreed as being likely what was said. Sadly we will never know what/who he was talking about... but it certainly kept us entertained for many days, well hours, well a couple of minutes anyway!

And so RND is over for another two years. We are now all waiting with bated breath to hear that the offspring of the Lord and the unmentionable has been safely brought into this world. I am sure that the Wannabe-dad-in-law will spout neverending drivel to the red tops about how proud he is that his daughter has snared the (ex) Doctor and brought forth his progeny and what a wonderful thing it is to be a grand-daddy again. Get the sick bucket ready please.... Remember Lord, at 2.30am when you are doing the graveyard shift and there's only MTV on the telly, my phone number is in your little black book under S! No, it's before you get to Soppy!



Lorenzo said...

He definitely said oh ok with that sort of face but any guy who repeats the news that he is to be a father with an oh ok is kinda stupid. I wonder what he was talking about instead?

Richard Curtis should be putting David in his films - Hugh Grant does it and earns £5 mil a movie, and he doesn't even want to do it any more - he's always moaning about being famous and how hard it it to act. Time to shift out of the way and let someone better looking and more talented take over the burden for you, Hugh!

Helen said...

Yes, I admit it - my tearducts were in full use on RND and my purse-strings much loosened by our fave Tall, Skinny, Scottish Bloke admonishing the nation. I don't blame him - if it IS true that the majority of people watching don't donate then it's about time somebody had a go at them.

Adele's song makes me howl at the best of times (seems to make me think of The Lord...) but that was a killer combo.

In the end I decided that rather than wait for BT to unknot itself I'd donate online and save them my snotty crying voice while I was at it.

Helen said...

Well, well, well. It seems The Lord's empassioned plea didn't go down well in some circles.

TOUGH. It's done. Get over it. It worked, didn't it? Job's a good'un.

And to whoever suggests that his tears weren't real... Death to the infidels!

OK. Maybe not death. But something very uncomfortable.

How about a good old fashioned Arab curse:
"May the fleas of a thousand camels lodge in your armpit."